Pet loss support: helplines, groups and how to help a friend

This page lists free places to talk about the death of a dog or cat, most of them run by veterinary schools, and explains what each one offers. It also covers support in Canada, what a veterinary social worker does, and how to help a friend or family member whose pet has died. Our article on how to memorialize a pet covers memorial ideas and a UK support line. For the wider picture of remembering a pet, start with the main guide to pet memorial portraits.

What a pet loss helpline is

A pet loss helpline is a phone line where you can talk about your pet with someone who understands that the loss is real. Cornell University's College of Veterinary Medicine says the first pet loss support hotline was set up in 1989 at the University of California, Davis, and that Cornell built its own hotline on the Davis guidelines.

Cornell's line is staffed by volunteer veterinary students who have been trained by professional grief counsellors. The students meet regularly with faculty advisors to discuss the calls and their own reactions. Cornell says many of the volunteers have lost a companion animal themselves.

A helpline is for grief. Cornell says its hotline covers pet loss and grief, and that if a caller's concerns go beyond those topics, volunteers will help them find other resources. The last section of this page covers crisis help.

Helplines run by veterinary schools and associations

The table lists three phone services named on Cornell's pet loss page, with the hours each one publishes. Times are given in the service's own time zone and in Pacific time.

Calling the Cornell line

Cornell's hotline uses an automated phone system that asks for your name before it connects you. Cornell says you can say "anonymous" or give only your first name if you want to stay anonymous. Its hours depend on how many volunteers are available, so Cornell asks callers to check back often.

Calling the Tufts line

Tufts University's Cummings School of Veterinary Medicine says callers can expect a caring, respectful, non-judgmental person on the line. Messages left on voicemail are returned during the next scheduled shift.

Tufts also says its helpline is for more than death. People who had to give up an animal because of a move, allergies or money problems can call, and so can people whose pet strayed and never came back. Tufts describes these losses as sad in their own way, because they leave questions with no answers.

Support in Canada

OVC Pet Trust, which raises funds for the Ontario Veterinary College at the University of Guelph, runs an online Pet Loss Support Resource Centre. It offers:

• Always Near Me: Navigating Pet Loss, a six-part video series in which people share their own stories of losing a companion animal.
• Pet Loss Support Guides, four printed booklets for the time before and after a loss.
• An Expert Interview Library, videos with people who work in veterinary medicine, social work and mental health.
• The Veterinary Social Work service at the Ontario Veterinary College, which helps the college's own clients with treatment decisions, communication with the veterinary team and emotional support.

The centre also keeps a list of additional resources. Its introduction says grief in these moments is real and valid, and that finding support can be an important part of healing.

Support groups

Some people find it easier to talk with others who have lost a pet than with a volunteer on the phone. Cornell's pet loss page lists online groups, including:

• The Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement, which offers chat rooms and video support groups.
• A group at Michigan State University's Veterinary Medical Center, which meets on the second and fourth Thursday of each month from 6:30 pm to 7:30 pm.

Cornell also lists several other groups that meet by video, some weekly. Check each group's own page for current times, because schedules change.

The University of Florida College of Veterinary Medicine suggests other places to look. Your local humane society may know of support near you, and pet loss websites can connect you with other owners. If you would like to see a professional, the school suggests asking, when you book, whether the counsellor or therapist has experience with people grieving a pet.

Veterinary social workers

Some veterinary hospitals employ social workers. Cornell's pet loss page was compiled by the veterinary social worker at the Cornell University Hospital for Animals, and Cornell invites owners to contact that social worker for more support. Cornell says the circumstances of a death, such as euthanasia, an accident, violence or giving up the animal, all affect how people grieve.

The Ohio State University Veterinary Medical Center describes what its social workers do in its Honoring the Bond program. They can:

• act as a link between the owner and the veterinary team,
• help in a crisis,
• help owners think through hard decisions such as quality of life and treatment,
• be present before, during or after euthanasia,
• help families talk with children,
• refer owners to counselling or support groups.

Ohio State offers these services at no cost to clients of its own veterinary hospital. If your pet was treated at a teaching hospital, ask whether it has a similar service.

How to support a friend whose pet has died

Many people do not know what to say when a friend's pet dies, especially if they have never had a pet themselves. The University of Florida College of Veterinary Medicine gives clear suggestions:

• Listen without judging or giving advice.
• Sit quietly while the person cries. You do not have to say something to make them feel better.
• Avoid clichés and words of wisdom. The school says these are often hurtful, even when well meant.
• Offer practical help, such as shopping or cleaning, if your friend has no energy for it.
• Talk about the pet. The school says this helps the owner feel better.
• Write down something you remember and liked about the pet, and give it to your friend.
• Accept that each person grieves in their own way and at their own pace.
• Respect a wish for time alone.
• Do not push your friend to get another pet right away.

The University of Florida also warns about comments such as "he was only a dog" or "you can get another cat". It says these usually come from concern, but they can wound someone who was closely bonded with an animal.

A written memory as a gift

A written memory is one of the University of Florida's own suggestions. Think of one real moment: the dog who always carried a shoe to the door, the cat who sat on the newspaper. Write it on a card, in a few sentences. Our article on gifts for someone who lost a pet covers what to write in a sympathy card. Some friends later choose a memorial portrait for a grieving owner, but a card with a true memory is enough on its own. If you do think about a portrait, our page on choosing a photo for a memorial portrait explains how to find a good photo without upsetting the owner, and the gallery shows finished examples.

Support for the whole family

Grief looks different for each person in a household. The Ohio State University Veterinary Medical Center says family members may have had different bonds with the pet and may grieve in different ways. Children need their own kind of support, and our page on helping children grieve a pet covers what to say at each age. For what grief can feel like in adults, read grieving a pet.

When to look for crisis help

The Ohio State University Veterinary Medical Center says that if sorrow or guilt has not lessened after several weeks, or if it stops you from taking part in family, social or work life, you may want to talk with a trained mental health professional.

If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide or self-harm, call or text 988. Cornell lists 988 as the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline in the United States, and the Mental Health Commission of Canada says people in Canada can call or text 988 at any time. If anyone is in immediate danger, call 911 or go to the nearest emergency department.