Helping children grieve a pet: honest words for every age

For many children, the death of a dog or cat is their first experience of losing someone they love. This page covers how to tell a child that a pet has died, which words to use and which to avoid, what children understand at each age, and how children can take part in remembering the pet. It draws on guides from the Ohio State University Veterinary Medical Center, the University of Florida, Tufts University, the American Academy of Pediatrics and Nemours KidsHealth. For the wider picture of remembering a pet, see the main guide to pet memorial portraits.

Tell children the truth

Every source on this page agrees on one point: be honest. The Ohio State University Veterinary Medical Center says that using deception, however well meant, is never recommended. If a child later learns that a parent changed the truth, it can be hard to win back the child's trust. Ohio State also explains what happens when children are kept out of the conversation. They look for answers somewhere else, or invent their own, and the longer a wrong idea lasts, the harder it is to correct.

Nemours KidsHealth gives two examples to avoid: saying "Buster ran away" or "Max went on a trip". It says a story like this will not ease the sadness, and a child who learns the truth may be angry about the lie. The University of Florida College of Veterinary Medicine adds that such stories stop the family from talking about the death and sharing its grief together.

KidsHealth suggests breaking the news one-on-one, in a place where the child feels safe and is not distracted. Base how much you say on the child's age, maturity and experience, and let the child's questions guide you. If a child asks what happens to a pet after it dies, KidsHealth says you can draw on your own beliefs, and that an honest "I don't know" is an acceptable answer.

Use plain words

Young children take words literally. The Ohio State University Veterinary Medical Center advises using the words "died" and "is dead", and explaining that every living thing can get sick or be hurt and that nothing lives forever. It lists phrases to avoid: "passed away", "gone to sleep", "moved on to a better place", "left us" and "gone on". A child may hear these as rejection, may think the pet will come back, or may even go looking for it.

The phrase "put to sleep" needs special care. Ohio State says that because children go to sleep every night, linking sleep with death can cause anxiety and trouble sleeping. It can also make a child afraid of surgery and anaesthesia. Nemours KidsHealth gives the same warning.

Ohio State offers sentences that parents can adapt:

• "Joey was very sick and his heart stopped beating."
• "You had nothing to do with Skippy's death. He was very sick and his lungs and heart no longer worked."
• "It's okay if you got mad at Socks. Your thoughts didn't hurt him."
• "Many animals have shorter lives than we do."

The last two examples matter because children sometimes wonder whether something they thought or said caused the death. Ohio State asks parents to make sure the child knows it was not their fault. It also advises against telling children that a pet was so good that God wanted it in heaven, because a child may become angry with God or fear being chosen next. And it asks parents not to blame the veterinarian, so the child does not become afraid of doctors.

What children understand at each age

The Ohio State University Veterinary Medical Center publishes general guidelines by age, adapted from the University of Virginia Health System. Ohio State stresses that children develop differently and that parents should follow their own child's lead.

The American Academy of Pediatrics gives similar guidance. Toddlers may ask again and again where the pet is, or seem unconcerned, which the Academy says is normal because they do not yet understand death. Grade school children can understand death more fully, and the Academy says this is a good age to prepare a child in advance if a pet is old or ill. Teenagers understand abstract ideas such as death, and their reactions can cover the full range of human emotion.

The University of Florida College of Veterinary Medicine says that up to about age 8 or 9, many children have trouble with four ideas: that death is permanent, that it happens to every person and animal, that the body stops working after death, and that the death was not caused by anything the child thought or did. It suggests asking the child what they think happens when a pet dies, and answering at that level.

When a pet is old or ill

The American Academy of Pediatrics advises against hiding how ill a pet is. Talk with the child in words they can understand, tell them the family wants to enjoy the time left with the pet, and answer their questions. The Academy says this gives the child time to start working through their feelings and to say goodbye, so the death is less of a shock.

If a family chooses euthanasia, Ohio State says children should be helped to understand why the decision is needed, and should feel they took part in it, though they should never be forced. It suggests that, where possible, a family should not plan the euthanasia while a child is away from home. If a child chooses to be present, Ohio State says to support that choice, because the reality of a peaceful death is less upsetting to children than what they imagine. If the child is not present, a parent may ask whether the child wants to see the pet afterward.

Explaining what happens next

Children often ask what will happen to the pet's body. Ohio State advises plain, gentle explanations. For cremation, it suggests saying that the pet's body will go to a room that gets "very hot" and turns it into ashes that look like sand, and that the pet cannot feel any pain. It advises avoiding the words "fire" and "burn", which can frighten children. For burial, it suggests explaining that the pet will be placed in a box and put in the ground.

How children show grief

Children do not always grieve in ways adults expect. The Ohio State University Veterinary Medical Center says children may react with laughter, aggression, anger or noisy play, and that younger children often grieve in short bursts and then return to their usual selves. It asks parents to be patient, to avoid punishing grief that adults do not understand, and to keep the child's routines as normal as possible.

The American Academy of Pediatrics says anger is a common way for children to express grief, and that grief-related feelings can come and go without warning. Nemours KidsHealth lists other feelings children may have: loneliness, frustration that the pet could not get better, and guilt about times they were unkind to the pet or did not care for it as promised.

Ohio State and the Academy both encourage parents to show their own sadness. When children see adults cry and talk about their feelings, they learn that these feelings are acceptable. Ohio State adds that a child who shows no grief is not necessarily coping well, and that grief about a pet can come back later, well after the death.

Tell the other adults in the child's life

Tufts University's Cummings School of Veterinary Medicine suggests letting the child's teacher or daycare provider know about the family's sadness. Ohio State gives the reason: it is hard to predict when or where a child's grief will show. Babysitters and the parents of the child's friends can help too.

Ways children can remember a pet

The Ohio State University Veterinary Medical Center encourages letting children honour a pet in their own way. Its suggestions include drawing or painting pictures, making an album, scrapbook or memory box, watching home videos, writing or sharing memories, planting a shrub or tree, and reading books about pet loss. It offers questions to start the conversation, such as "What is your favourite memory of Princess?"

The American Academy of Pediatrics suggests a memorial such as scattering ashes, making a memorial collage or planting a tree. It advises suggesting the idea gently and following the child's wishes. Nemours KidsHealth suggests a small ceremony, a prayer written together, or sharing funny stories about the pet.

If your family plans a portrait, a child can have a real role. A child can help choose the photo, which our page on choosing a photo for a memorial portrait explains. A child can also write or say one line for the card that goes with it, and our page on writing a pet dedication shows short examples. The gallery lets a child look at the styles and pick the one that suits the pet.

Waiting before a new pet

Ohio State advises families not to rush into a new pet to replace the one who died. It says a new pet too soon may suggest to children that grief does not matter and that loved ones can be replaced. Children may also reject the new pet or feel disloyal to the old one. Ohio State offers two sentences for children: "It's ok to not want a new pet" and "It's ok to want a new pet."

The American Academy of Pediatrics agrees that a new pet should be presented as a different adventure, because children may expect the new animal to be just like the last one.

When a child needs more help

The American Academy of Pediatrics says there is no set timeframe for a child's grief. It lists signs that a child may need extra help: continuing trouble with daily life at home or school months after the death, and deep, long-lasting sadness or depression. If you think a child may be thinking about suicide, the Academy says to call or text 988 right away. Ohio State says that prolonged, strong reactions may mean a child would benefit from a trained grief counsellor. Your pediatrician is a good first person to ask.

For the adults in the family, our page on grieving a pet describes what adult grief can feel like.