Gifts for someone who lost a pet: thoughtful ideas for a friend

When a friend's dog or cat dies, you may want to send something and still worry about getting it wrong. Good pet loss gifts are small and personal. A card that names the pet, a portrait made from a favourite photo, a donation in the pet's name, a plant or a photo book all show that you remember the animal. This guide is for the friend or family member who is choosing the gift. If you are the owner, the guide on how to memorialize a pet is written for you.

What to write in a pet sympathy card

Start with the card, even if you plan a larger gift later. Blue Cross, the UK animal charity, says that people can feel the same level of grief after losing a pet as at the death of a close relative. It adds that not everyone understands this grief, which can make the owner feel alone. A card tells your friend that you do understand.

The University of Florida's Small Animal Hospital gives one simple idea for the card: write down something you remember and liked about the pet, and give it to the person whose pet died. It says this brings back good memories and shows that you care.

A short card can follow these steps:

1. Say you are sorry, and use the pet's name. For example: "I am so sorry about Bella."
2. Share one memory. Think of a habit you saw yourself: the dog that waited at the gate, the cat that slept on the warm laundry.
3. End with a line for your friend. "Thinking of you" or "I am here if you want to talk" is enough.

Two things are best left out. The University of Florida advises avoiding clichés and words of wisdom, because they are often hurtful, even when well meant. Blue Cross advises against suggesting a new pet, because the pet was unique and cannot be replaced, and the owner will mention a new pet when ready. Cornell University's College of Veterinary Medicine says many owners are upset by pressure from friends to find a new pet quickly.

Gift ideas for someone who lost a pet

Cornell keeps a list of memorial ideas for grieving owners. Several of them also work as a gift from a friend.

A portrait from a favourite photo

A portrait puts the pet's face on a wall or a shelf. At Purrealism, you add one photo of the pet and choose one of 15 royal portrait styles. The gallery shows finished examples. The Noble Hound, in the Indian Royalty style, shows a golden retriever wearing a royal crown and red robe. The Mughal Emperor portrait shows a grey cat in a jewelled crown and pearls.

Pick a style that matches the pet your friend describes. A calm cat that always took the best seat suits a seated ruler, such as the Maharani or the Mughal Emperor. A dog that barked at every visitor suits the Rajput Warrior, which the gallery shows as a dog in armour with a fort at sunset behind it. The guide on choosing a royal portrait style matches styles to coat colour.

You can give the portrait in two ways, both listed on the pricing page. The digital pack is a high-resolution file with no watermark, so your friend can keep it on a phone, send it to family or print it later. An art print comes in 8 × 10, 12 × 16, 18 × 24 or 24 × 36 inches, on matte or glossy paper. An 8 × 10 inch print fits on a desk or next to a collar on a shelf.

A donation in the pet's name

Cornell suggests a donation in the pet's memory to a cause that is special to the owner, or time given as a volunteer at a shelter or rescue. If you know where the pet came from, give to that shelter or rescue. Otherwise, choose a local animal shelter. Write the pet's name on the donation if the form allows it, and tell your friend about the gift in the card.

A plant

Cornell also suggests a flower or tree planted in the pet's favourite part of the yard. A potted plant can stay indoors, and your friend can move it into the garden later.

Check the plant first if another animal still lives in the home. The ASPCA lists lilies as toxic to cats, with kidney failure as the sign. It lists sunflowers and African violets as non-toxic to dogs and cats. Its online plant list covers many more.

A photo book

Cornell suggests a scrapbook of photos of the pet with favourite memories beside them. As a friend, you can start the book for the owner. Collect photos from your own phone and from other friends, and ask each person to write one short memory for the page beside their photo.

Help at home

A gift can also be your time. The University of Florida suggests offering to do the shopping, the cleaning or other tasks the owner may not have the energy for. Drop off a meal and leave, if that suits your friend. The same page advises respecting a person's wish for space or time alone.

How to find a good photo of the pet without asking

A portrait needs a clear photo, and asking a grieving friend to choose one can be hard for them. You can often find one yourself:

• Your own phone. Look through photos from visits, walks, holidays and parties.
• Shared albums and group chats. Family albums and chats where the owner posted photos of the pet often hold the best pictures.
• The owner's household. A partner, parent or housemate who lived with the pet may have the original file and can send it quietly.
• Printed photos. If a family member has a good print, you can photograph it flat in daylight.

Choose a photo where both eyes are sharp, the face points toward the camera and nothing covers it. Pick one taken in daylight if you can. The portrait studio takes one image file of up to 5 MB. The guide on how to photograph your pet for a portrait explains how to check a photo and how to copy an old print.

If you cannot find a clear photo, choose a different gift for now. Later, you can tell your friend that you would like to have a portrait made, and let your friend pick the photo when ready.

When to give a pet loss gift

Blue Cross says everyone grieves in different ways and for different lengths of time, from weeks to months and in some cases years. So you and your friend can choose the timing.

A card or a message can go in the first days. A larger gift, such as a portrait or a photo book, can come a few weeks later, when your friend may be ready to look at pictures. Dates that mean something to the owner also work: the pet's birthday, the day it came home, or one year after it died. The guide on how to memorialize a pet gives the dates of National Pet Memorial Day.

What to say in person or by text

Many people worry about finding the right words. The University of Florida says that sitting quietly while a person cries can help, even if you say nothing. It advises listening without judging or giving advice, and talking about the pet, which it says helps the owner feel better.

Blue Cross gives similar advice. Take time to listen, show that you understand what your friend is telling you, and encourage your friend to share happy memories of the pet.

By text, keep it short. Name the pet, say you are sorry, and add one memory or one offer of help. Let the reply come when your friend is ready.

Where a grieving friend can find support

Blue Cross suggests telling a grieving owner about its Pet Loss Support service. You can add the name of a service like this to your card.

• Tufts Pet Loss Support Helpline. Run by the Cummings School of Veterinary Medicine at Tufts University. Its page says volunteers staff the line from 6 pm to 9 pm Eastern Standard Time, Monday to Thursday, with a 24-hour voicemail.
• Cornell Pet Loss Support Hotline. Trained volunteer veterinary students answer the calls. Cornell says the hours change with the seasons.
• Blue Cross Pet Loss Support (UK). A free and confidential phone and email service.

The memorial guide lists the Cornell and Blue Cross services in more detail. If your friend's other pets seem unwell after the loss, suggest a visit to a veterinarian.