Grieving a pet: what the loss of a dog or cat can feel like

This page describes what grief after the death of a dog or cat can feel like, in the body, in the mind and in daily life. It draws only on what veterinary schools with pet loss programs have published: Cornell, the University of Florida, Ohio State and Tufts. If you are thinking about a memorial portrait, the main guide to pet memorial portraits explains how grief and a portrait fit together.

Grief for a pet is real grief

Many owners are surprised by how much the death of a pet hurts. The University of Florida College of Veterinary Medicine explains why. People walk with their pets, talk with them, eat with them and sleep beside them. A pet often stays the one steady presence through moves, new jobs and changes in the family. The school says that any emotion people feel when a loved person dies is likely to occur when a pet dies.

Tufts University's Cummings School of Veterinary Medicine lists a range of states that grieving owners describe: shock, sorrow, anger, tiredness, guilt, trouble sleeping, loss of appetite and loneliness. Some people simply feel empty. Tufts says all of these are normal, and that each person should allow themselves to grieve as much or as little as they need, for as long as they need.

Cornell University's College of Veterinary Medicine puts it in two short statements: there is no normal way to grieve the loss of a pet, and grief follows no prescribed timeline.

How grief can show up

Cornell describes five areas of life that grief can touch. Knowing them can help you recognize what you are feeling.

The University of Florida adds more detail about thinking. Grieving owners may forget things they did, believe they did things they did not do, lose objects or take longer to learn something new. The school calls these typical grief reactions. It also advises extra care when driving or doing anything that needs your full attention.

The Ohio State University Veterinary Medical Center says that when grief is new, it is common to feel tired in body and mind, and to notice changes in appetite, sleep or health. It also says it is common to replay the pet's last moments in your mind, again and again.

Feeling that your pet is still there

After a pet dies, you may think you hear its collar in the hall or see it on the sofa from the corner of your eye. The University of Florida says it is not uncommon to see, hear or smell a pet after its death, or to feel that its spirit is present. People report this whatever the type of pet and whatever their religious beliefs. You may also reach down to touch the pet, or start to prepare its food or its walk, before you remember.

These moments can be comforting or painful, and often both. They are part of adjusting to a house that has changed.

Guilt

Guilt is one of the most common feelings after a pet dies. The University of Florida says that almost everyone feels some guilt, and that it usually comes from believing we had more control over the situation than we did. Owners tell themselves they should have noticed the symptoms sooner, should have chosen a different treatment, or should not have let the pet out that day. If the pet was euthanized, owners may feel they acted too soon or waited too long.

The University of Florida calls this a natural part of grieving, and says most people come to see that the death was outside their power and that they were a positive part of their pet's life. For guilt that rests on a misunderstanding about why the pet died, the school suggests asking your veterinarian to explain the cause. It also points out that not every illness can be found in time, and that a death with no clear cause does not mean someone is to blame.

The Ohio State University Veterinary Medical Center offers a short list of ways to work with guilt:

• Be honest with yourself about why you feel guilty.
• Do a reality check. A different choice might have led to the same result.
• Remember that you are human and no one is perfect.
• Remember that all living things die, and there is not always an answer to why.
• Some owners find it helps to write an apology letter to the pet.

When other people do not understand

Friends or coworkers may say things such as "he was only a dog" or "you can get another cat". The University of Florida says these comments usually come from concern, often from people who have never been closely bonded with an animal.

The Ohio State University Veterinary Medical Center explains the wider problem. It calls pet loss a form of disenfranchised grief. That means society often does not treat it as equal to grief for a person, so the support a grieving owner would normally expect may be harder to find. Ohio State's answer is simple: your loss is real, and so is your grief.

If people close to you do not understand, look for people who do. The University of Florida suggests pet loss support groups, pet loss websites, and grief counsellors who have experience with pet loss. Our page on pet loss support lists free phone lines run by veterinary schools.

Looking after yourself

The University of Florida College of Veterinary Medicine groups its self-care advice by the same areas that grief affects.

• Feelings: talk with someone who understands the bond you had, write in a journal or a letter to your pet, make a scrapbook or photo album, or draw and paint.
• Body: grief uses up energy. The school advises against using alcohol or drugs to feel better.
• Thinking: read about grief, and talk with others who have been through a similar loss.
• Social life: find a balance between time alone and time with others, and consider a pet loss support group.
• Beliefs: light a candle in memory of your pet, do something kind for another person or another animal, or talk with people who share your views on an afterlife.

Ohio State adds a practical point for dog owners. Walks are good exercise, but a familiar route can be hard at first. It suggests walking at a different time and in a different place, then returning to the old routine when you feel better.

If you have other animals, they may be adjusting too. Our page on when other pets grieve explains what changes to watch for.

Signs that you are healing

The University of Florida publishes a list of signs that grief is easing. Among them:

• You think more about your pet's life than about its death.
• Your emotions feel less intense, and you feel more in control of them.
• Sleep, energy and appetite are returning to normal.
• You are interested again in things you enjoyed before.
• Reminders of your pet are less painful, and you no longer avoid them.
• You can talk about your pet without crying.
• You can laugh and enjoy yourself without feeling guilty.

The same school says you may feel guilty when you notice you are healing, as if feeling better meant you loved the pet less. It describes healing as a change in the relationship: from touching, seeing and hearing the pet to holding it in your thoughts and memories.

Grief can come back after it eases. Ohio State says you may start to feel better and then suddenly feel sad again. Birthdays and the first anniversary are common times for this, and our page on anniversaries of a pet's death covers them.

When to ask for more help

The Ohio State University Veterinary Medical Center says that if sorrow or guilt has not lessened after several weeks, or if it stops you from taking part in family, social, work or other parts of life, you may want to reach out for professional support. It says many owners find it helpful to see a trained mental health professional, alone or as a family.

Cornell's pet loss hotline covers pet loss and grief, and its page lists crisis services separately. In the United States and in Canada, you can call or text 988 at any time to reach a crisis line. If anyone is in immediate danger, call 911.

Memories, photos and a portrait

Ohio State says that over time, some memories of a pet may become less clear, and it reminds owners that they will always love the pet. It also says the hope is that, in time, you will be able to remember your pet and smile or laugh at the good memories.

Photos help with that. The University of Florida lists a scrapbook or photo album among the ways owners express grief, and it lists drawing or painting the pet among memorial ideas. Some families choose a portrait as a way to keep the pet's face in the house. You can look through finished portraits in the gallery when you feel ready, and the main memorial guide explains the steps. There is no rush.